Karen Attempts Exorcism at Target, Summons Customer Service Demon

ANCHORAGE, AK - During a summit that was billed as a historic chance for peace talks, Fox News analysts concluded that Russian President Vladimir Putin “steamrolled” former U.S. President Donald Trump in Alaska. While Putin, speaking first, delivered nearly nine minutes of prepared remarks, Trump spoke for barely three, leaving many observers unsettled by the power imbalance on American soil. Trump, however, was quick to dismiss the criticism. “When Fox says steamrolled, they mean it in the good way. I like a good massage — deep tissue, very strong, very Russian,” Trump said while standing next to an unblinking Putin. The comment drew laughter from Russian state media, which...

ROSWELL, NM - In a report that’s already breaking records for the phrase “no, seriously,” five individuals from wildly unrelated walks of life have come forward claiming they were abducted by aliens, taken aboard spacecraft, and - let’s not mince words here - probed into new tax brackets. Published by the Institute for Unwelcomed Interstellar Interaction (IUII), the paper combines harrowing eyewitness accounts with unsettling consistency: all five subjects were scooped up by extraterrestrials, shown a confusing series of glowing buttons...

On August 12, 2025, scientists at CERN reported an unexpected anomaly during a routine experiment involving particle collisions. The Large Hadron Collider, known for its groundbreaking research, inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel dimension where humanity has thrived without conflict, poverty, or the need for pineapple on pizza. Researchers...

NEW YORK - Economists across the political spectrum urged Americans on Friday not to panic-buy or stockpile staples, arguing that hoarding worsens price spikes and strains distribution networks already stretched by weather-related delays, as they ran to Costco "just to pick up a few things". A joint advisory circulated by the Council of Economic Advisers and the New York Federal Reserve cited stable warehouse throughput and “routine...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities - a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was buried deep in a changelog available only via a cached PDF last...